


02:34

by bunnoculars



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 06:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16012172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnoculars/pseuds/bunnoculars
Summary: Jonghyun calls Taemin in the middle of the night.





	02:34

“Hyung?”

“Did I wake you?”

“Hyuuuuuung.” Taemin’s not frustrated with Jonghyun, he’s frustrated with his own existence, with the entire universe, whoever invented cell phones. But he can’t tell Jonghyun that with his face smushed into his pillow, so he squints over at his alarm clock and tells him instead, “It’s fucking two a.m.” That gets him nowhere. He’s still not asleep and Jonghyun has nothing to say for himself, and Taemin could be _sleeping._ “Have you been drinking?”

Taemin said it without thinking, the exact wrong thing, and now he’s wide awake. He has a couple seconds to live with that, silence sitting on his chest, squirming in his stomach, and then Jonghyun takes mercy on him, says, “I just got out, I just got home,” and then, so gently, “I’m sorry, Taeminnie, I wasn’t thinking. Go back to sleep, okay?” And before Taemin can hang up on him, “Don’t stay mad~”

How is Taemin supposed to, when it’s Jonghyun asking? And he’d have to get mad at him in the first place. And that’s impossible.

Jonghyun is impossible.

Taemin rolls onto his back, burrowing deeper under his blanket, stretching his legs, getting comfortable.

“I’m up now. Take responsibility.” Jonghyun doesn’t laugh like he’s supposed to, just sighs in Taemin’s ear. “Did something happen?”

“Why do you keep saying stuff like that? I’m not drunk, nothing happened.” He pauses, and Taemin has like a second to figure out where this is going, and then Jonghyun says it. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

The exact wrong thing.

Jonghyun said it last time, too, a Thursday night two months ago, 2:30 a.m., fresh out of Blue Night, into his second bottle of soju already. I just wanted to hear your voice. And then he didn’t listen to anything Taemin actually said. Have you been drinking? Go to bed, hyung, don’t call me when you’re drunk, why is it always me, don’t you have any friends. Just waited until Taemin had to breathe and told him, I want to see your face. Let me sometimes, okay? It feels like it’s been forever, I’m going crazy.

Taemin asked him where he was, asked him if he was alone, said he would swing by the studio and visit tomorrow, told him to go home and sleep it off. And Jonghyun said, I love you, Taemin-ah.

Taemin didn’t sleep at all that night.

And then the next day Jonghyun was in love with _Base_ again, and Taemin was old news. Taemin-ah…What are you doing here? Are you here to see me? Hyung is really busy, I can’t get away, I’m having lunch with the engineers. I called you last night? I must have been really drunk, I’m really sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I’ll buy you food next time. Whatever you want.

That should have been that. Except Jonghyun grabbed Taemin’s arm, holding him back, searching his face, look on his own like he’d rather chew off his tongue than ask, Did I say anything weird?

No, nothing weird. Nothing that Taemin didn’t already know.

“How was work?” Taemin says now. “Which show do I have to watch tomorrow?”

“It was work,” Jonghyun replies. Talking about it would just tire him out more, he means. “Inkigayo.” He just got done filming probably. Maybe Taemin should ask him where he thinks he messed up, what to watch for, but Jonghyun gets there first, asks about him instead. “What about you, what did you do today?”

That’s easy.

“Slept. Ate. Slept.”

Jonghyun tries again, “What did you eat?” but he only gives Taemin a few seconds to come up with something before he accuses him, “You can’t even remember that far back? I’m the one who’s getting old, you have no excuse.”

“It’s not that, it’s just too much. My mom’s too much. It’s been months and she still hasn’t left the kitchen. I’ve gained five pounds, I’m gonna have to go on a diet pretty soon.”

“You’re so skinny,” Jonghyun tells him, like that settles it.

That’s not what Taemin’s parents said. When he came back home from the dorm after promotions ended, it was, You’re too skinny. And Jongin always calls him fat and tells him to eat less, even when Taemin’s buying. But that’s only because he can’t keep up, he’s too weak, he cares about stuff like manners. Like today for example.

“I went out for lunch with Jonginnie,” Taemin says in a rush. The only other detail he has for Jonghyun is, “Sushi.”

He just hopes that’s enough. Jonghyun always gets a little weird about Jongin. He never asks but he always wants to know, and it doesn’t cost Taemin anything to tell him. It probably doesn’t hurt Jonghyun to hear about it. At least it shouldn’t. He has to know that.

Maybe Taemin should try telling Jonghyun that Jongin is straight.

Jonghyun sounds so normal when he says, “Sounds yummy,” but Taemin knows him better than that. He can hear how hard he’s trying, and he can hear it the moment he gives up, too, kind of bitter, kind of wistful. “I had kimbap.”

“Dinner?”

“More kimbap.”

At least he ate.

Taemin has to push himself to go as far as, “It’s worse on your own, right?” but on the other side he realizes he’s smiling, Jonghyun got him to smile, and the words start to flow. “You weren’t there so I had to do all the talking. I’ll never tell you to shut up again,” and, “I was too used to stealing your food, I was starving the whole time,” and Jonghyun’s laughing now, finally, “It was lonely too, all I had was my phone. I was on it so much Manager hyung thought I was dating—" _Jonginnie._ Stupid, stupid. Taemin should have just said it. He has to say _something._ Anything. “How is it with your manager, what’s he like?”

“I don’t know,” Jonghyun says. He pauses, just waiting for Taemin to fill it. One disbelieving noise later, like magic, he goes on, “Really, I don’t. He never talks, but he doesn’t yell, either. He’s just kinda there, all day. Every day. It’s the same as being alone.”

And now all of the sudden Taemin’s heart hurts. Jonghyun is hard on him, he’s always too much. It’s always too high or too low, nothing’s ever boring or safe. Not even the everyday stuff, stuff that should be. 

“Do you miss me~?” Taemin hopes it sounds like a joke. But then it’s out of his mouth before he can stop himself, “I missed you,” and he hopes it doesn’t.

“How much?”

“Huh?”

“How much did you miss me?”

Taemin doesn’t have to try and picture the face that goes with that voice, all rushed and twisted up. Jonghyun comes to him right away. Raising his chin, sucking on the inside of his cheek, staring Taemin in the face because he won’t let himself look away. And right now, miles away, waiting on the other end.

“A lot.”

And that’s all it takes, two little words, and his heart is hammering on his ribs harder than the rain on his window.

“More than anyone?” All Taemin needs is time but Jonghyun doesn’t give him any. Split second later, he’s switched to, “More than the others?” and started piling on. “They always left you to me. You know how much I suffered because of you? You only looked cute, Taemin-ah.”

Nobody ever left Taemin to Jonghyun, he’s so full of it. Whatever Jonghyun could do for Taemin, he never let anyone else touch. Taemin never wanted them to, anyway. And now he wishes with all his heart there were things he could do for Jonghyun too. He wishes Jonghyun would ask.

“I missed you,” he says again. “I miss you.” Silence. Silence silence silence. Taemin clears his throat, counts his heartbeats, closes his eyes. Tries whining, knowing it won’t work. Jonghyun can’t see him pouting. “Buy me food sometime. You said you would, and then you never did.”

Jonghyun smiles in Taemin’s ear.

“What do you want to eat?” Nothing? Taemin just woke up, it’s dark, he’s comfy, he’s in his pajamas, it’s…2:34 here. Wherever Jonghyun is, too. Home, he said. But Jonghyun doesn’t care about any of that. “If I can afford it I’ll buy it for you.”

Does he mean right now?

“Anything?”

“Yeah.”

“Even if you don’t like it?”

“I eat well, Taemin-ah,” Jonghyun reminds him. Which, fair enough. Well isn’t the same as a lot, and Jonghyun definitely eats better than he drinks. Three bottles of soju and he forgets his own name, and beer is even worse. Jonghyun reads his mind, heads him off. “No alcohol.”

Like Taemin would want to deal with that anyway. There’s nothing cute about it. Not when Jonghyun drunk dials him in the middle of the night, not when he goes crazy over Taemin on SNS, and not when it’s up to Taemin to take him home and put him to bed. Heavy on his back, mouth open and wet on his neck, eating his hair, mumbling his name. 

“Anything.”

“Yes.”

Anything…?

They’re talking food, and food deserves thought. So Taemin thinks, long and hard. And when that doesn’t get him anywhere he thinks out loud.

“That sandwich shop at Inkigayo…”

“I just got away, I just said, and now you want to make me go back?” Jonghyun groans. “Taemin-ah~”

Which, Jonghyun said anything, and he just said he had kimbap too, and he always drags Taemin to eat there whenever Shinee makes the rounds at SBS, and it’s not like they could go today anyway…but fine. Fine.

“The udon stand outside MBC,” no, “The SM cafeteria.”

“Taemin-aaaaah.”

Taemin hides his smile behind his fist, before he remembers he’s alone. Jonghyun can’t see him. He can probably hear it in Taemin’s voice, though, when he tries again. “What about that jokbal place? The one we went to for Jinki hyung’s birthday.”

“His twenty-fourth, I remember,” Jonghyun says, then laughs, warm and soft in the dark. “I’m surprised you can. You got so drunk, I had to carry you home.”

Taemin doesn’t remember that part, just that the jokbal tasted better with soju. And that’s not right, anyway. He needs something that will taste better with Jonghyun.

“Dongdaemun?”

They haven’t been back there in ages, but back in their trainee days, it was only a couple bus stops from home. Jonghyun always asked him what he was hungry for and let him eat his fill, and sometimes he’d go broke buying them dinner. Then he’d walk Taemin the rest of the way to his apartment, talking and talking while Taemin digested. That was always Jonghyun’s favorite part. Maybe he never knew Taemin knew that. Maybe he never knew it was Taemin’s, too.

Maybe Taemin should have just told him back then.

But right now. All of the sudden there are so many things he could say, so many memories they share.

“Pork bone stew. We used to go in the winter, remember? You always gave me your coat, but the soup was so hot, it always made me sweat, and then I felt gross.” Jonghyun tells him it’s winter again now, like Taemin needs reminding, but he doesn’t tell Taemin he isn’t gross, so. “Jjolmyun?” Never mind, he’s being mean. “I don’t know what they put in that, but it always made you cry~. And by the time we got to my place you always had to use the bathroom, too.” That’s how Taemin found out Jonghyun can’t handle heat. “Crab…” Not spicy crab, “Soy crab?” Should be in season, right? “Oh! Corndogs! The ones with the French fry batter. Minho hyung could eat four in one sitting.” And you could eat five, but I’m on a diet, Taemin-ah. Please. “Ummm….”

Soondae. Jonghyun’s mom told Taemin later that Jonghyun used to hate it, that he must’ve learned to eat it from Taemin. Tteokbokki. The one spicy thing Jonghyun loves, and the one thing he can eat more of than Taemin. Fish cakes. Hotteok. Bungeoppang. No, healthy stuff. Taemin shouldn’t make Jonghyun cheat on his diet for him, he shouldn’t test him like that. Bean paste stew? Ginseng chicken soup?

He gives up.

“What are you hungry for, hyung?” No answer. “Hyung?”

If Taemin strains his ears, he thinks he can hear Jonghyun’s breathing, deep and soft and even. He wishes he could hear his heartbeat.

Taemin breathes with him. Closes his eyes and sees Jonghyun’s face. Breathes.

“Hyung, are you sleeping?” He already knows the answer. “Ask me if I like you back.”

Jonghyun should too.

“I like you.”

Taemin’s breath catches and his heart stammers and his ears go hot, but he’s alone, just him and the rain and the night and his bedroom ceiling. Just him and all the things he wants to say.

Too much.

Taemin hangs up first, then waits it out, hiding in his pillow, curling in on himself. This feeling has been with him longer than he knows what to do with, making itself at home, taking over his body, every time Jonghyun smiles at him, touches him, talks to him, listens to him. Every time Taemin’s heart beats, every time he draws breath, every time he blinks. It never goes away, and he hopes it never will.

He doesn’t know how Jonghyun can’t see it in him, when he’s the same, and Taemin’s seen it from the beginning. If Jonghyun just doesn’t want to, maybe. And it’s Jonghyun. Taemin doesn’t know how to make him do anything, how to make him want to know Taemin’s heart, or want to want Taemin, or _anything._ It’s been forever since they’ve seen each other at all, but when they meet up again it’ll be like no time has passed. Jonghyun will sneak glances at him when Taemin's not supposed to be looking, and they'll talk about everything else, and eat their feelings.

This is so stupid. It’s three a.m. and Jonghyun woke Taemin up and then drifted off on him and left him here alone, and now Taemin can’t go back to sleep, and he’s so in love with him it hurts. It’s all Jonghyun’s fault.

It takes him two seconds to write it, and fifteen minutes to hit send.

_i can feed myself. i just want to see u_

And then he has as long as he needs to convince himself he’ll ever be able to sleep ever again. The rain turns to snow around four, so Taemin puts his headphones in, and waits for Bjork to take him away from here. Ice princesses, magic, snow kingdoms, twilight world…dreamland…

Please…

His phone buzzes at 4:32.

…Jonghyun.

Jonghyun. Jonghyun. Jonghyun.

But it’s okay, it’s okay, Taemin can breathe again. It’s nothing bad.

_tonight?_

_after blue night?_

_i dont want to keep u up_

Taemin takes forever coming up with a reply, two isn’t that late for me, you already kept me up tonight, if you’re too busy just say so, I don’t want to make things harder on you, I can wait for you…and then Jonghyun gets there first.

_i want to see u too_

_i miss u too taeminnie_

…

_more than anyone_

Taemin’s hands are sweating a little. They can sweat all they want. His heart can explode, his chest can cave in, he can shrivel up and die, just as soon as he’s sent it. As soon as he’s taken this first step.

_its a date_

There.

Jonghyun can take that however he wants. Taemin has until tonight to find the words he wants Jonghyun to hear, but all that’s left is waiting. They’re all right here, in his heart, in his thoughts, in his body. And he’s already said it once, the second time should be easier.

Even if Jonghyun will be right there. Even if Jonghyun has to say something back, and he gets to say no. He could. Taemin won’t be able to take it back, turn it into a joke. And he can’t give up on him, end his feelings, find someone else, whatever.

He won’t.

Even if he’s got Jonghyun wrong somehow, even if he’s had him wrong for years and years. Even if Taemin is alone. Even then.

“I love you, hyung.”

Tonight.


End file.
